Then Jack Happened

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Dear Jack,

I broke up with my boyfriend about a month and a half ago. We were together around six months. I broke up with him because he wasn’t spending any quality time with me. He was  always hanging with his friends (birthday parties he said) but never seemed to have time for me except late at night if you catch my drift. He’d even break off plans with me to spend time with his family and friends and not invite me and go out and have a good time (I’d see Insta pics). I told him I wanted to be with him and his friends but he got upset and said I was needy and not understanding that he has responsibilities (which is true). I told him that it was over but he told me he loved me and wanted to stay together. Three weeks more of the same and I finally broke it off. I was doing fine but then out of the blue he texted me saying, “I guess you blocked me, it must be really over, love.” I hadn’t blocked him and I wrote back that we can get together and talk about what happened, but then he didn’t respond. I think I might still love him. What should I do?

Welcome to my parlor, the spider said to the fly. You like (or think you like) this guy, and want a relationship, but, I’m afraid he is playing you. Hearing that must be hard but, unless you are satisfied with the late night rendezvous, you need to ignore the whole mess.

Despite what he’s telling you, you two weren’t in a meaningful relationship. The reason is simple: you weren’t getting what you wanted. If you are happy having a bootie call, then this is the guy for you. If you want a boyfriend that takes you out with his friends and to his sister’s birthday BBQ, then he’s not.

I’m not diminishing purely ‘fun’ relationships. Relationships come in all shapes and sizes and numbers and all are fine so long as everyone’s happy. He is telling you what he knows you want to hear so he can keep getting what he wants. It is clear that he is hurting you and not giving you what you want. You want a boyfriend, he says he’s your boyfriend, and now he comes over after a night of partying for sex. If that is what you want (it doesn’t sound like that is what you want) then this is the relationship for you, otherwise, it is not. Interestingly, I don’t think you said one positive thing about him in your question. You have to learn how to make honest assessment of your circumstances so that you can make good decisions rather than projecting what you want onto what you actually have.

His lovelorn texts are mere lies and manipulations that are par for the course. He dangled the carrot, you jumped to attention, and you’re back on his hook. When you offered to go see him, he knew he still had you in the fold and that’s all he needed. He didn’t spend time with you before so why would he start now? His next step will be semi-late night text messages, just as he is going out, “I’ve been thinking of you, got to go Megatron’s birthday, but afterwards you want to talk?” Sure enough you do, and over he comes, and rinse and repeat.

I know I’ve been a bit cold and clinical in this answer, but really, it’s the only way. There’s no getting around the fact that this sucks. Someone you like is using you and treating you like trash. You will be sad. So what’s the solution to that? Sorry, it’s time. Get back to what you were doing when you were ‘fine’ after you broke up. My recommendation: take him up on his offer, block him, get your mind off things, cry it out, do things that make you happy with people that make you happy with no strings attached. The sadness sucks, but based on what you told me, you’ll be better in the long run.

Delray, it has been a while, you’ve been ignoring my late night texts and even my next morning hang-over let’s go see a movie texts, I know you have problems, send them to me at thenjackhappened@gmail.com