By Riana Milne
The Pineapple Contributing Writer
My mother just passed away yesterday; and although she was very sick and frail for a long time, the thought of never seeing her again saddens me greatly. I recently met a new male friend whose partner died seven months ago of cancer, and he still mourns the loss of his best friend and love.
“When does the pain of the separation ever get easier?” he asks me. “Does it help to know if one was very sick, that they are in a much better place – in “heaven” or the “after-life?” I am questioning that for myself today. Being a spiritual person (and also Rev. Riana), I try to use the strength of my faith to help comfort me.
Our humanness mourns the fact we will not see our loved one’s again until we, also, pass over to the other side. Our compassionate side knows they are released of their pain of any long-term illness, and we feel a sense of relief from that fact because they do not have to suffer anymore. We try not to be selfish, but the loss of our parent or friend is still difficult and it tends to consume us for a while.
When a death of a loved one is sudden, like the losses I had at a young age with my friends, Michael M car accident (at age 16) and Corrine R (at age 24) being murdered by her boyfriend; these types of death are a shock, and one certainly often experiences PTSD – Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Time heals all wounds, but it also helps to do something as a memorial for the one who passed – like create a charity around something they were compassionate about; or do something to help with research or support around their reason of death.
For example, when Michael was killed by a drunk driver our senior year of high school, I wanted to become an addictions counselor to help with people’s struggles around this social issue. When Corrine’s death occurred due to a domestic violence incident, I took special training in that area to help victims of violence; as well as donate partial proceeds of my book, LOVE Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve – to AVDA (Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse).
We may have lost our loved one physically, but never spiritually. I have read many books about those who have passed on and came back to life (actually pronounced dead on a surgery table) and also felt and experienced too many spirits who have presented themselves, to be absolutely certain there is an afterlife.
Our love ones still are with us through their energy and love which exists within our hearts and mind. These fond relationships never die. Do reach out to close friends and family, for their comfort and take the time you need to remember all the wonderful memories you have with this person who has passed on with a “Celebration of Life Ceremony” versus a funeral.
My daughter Stephana has offered to make a video slideshow of the wonderful traits about my mother. This will be a beautiful keepsake for all of us in the family, and something we can easily share on social media as well.
If you have lost a partner of many years, be gentle with yourself. This hurt takes time. You may question who you are now as an individual, since your partner is not part of your everyday life. You will need to re-invent yourself, make new goals, and create an entire new life for yourself as a single person.
Do get the help of a certified life coach to help you with all these decisions; so that you make wise, well-thought out decisions, not impulsive ones based on fear, loneliness, exhaustion or depression.
As a friend of someone who experienced a death, give them the time they need to mourn, but offer to help with chores, cooking, cleaning or anything else they may need to help with the healing process. Every death reminds us, that life is too short – not to waste time by not going for our dreams.
Here is a Haiku poem I wrote after Michael’s death, which profoundly affected my entire life – and my sense of purpose and accomplishment with the time I may have left in this world —You were born to die, and there’s a pause in-between, which is only life…. what will you do with yours?
Riana Milne, MA, is a Certified, global Relationship, Love & Life Coach, a #1 Best Selling author, Host of the WRPBiTV show: Lessons in Life & Love, a motivational speaker, Licensed Mental Health Counselor and Cert Addictions Professional at Therapy by the Sea; 15300 Jog Rd, Suite 109, Delray Beach. Her free App: My Relationship Coach offers more articles and her 5 star rated books, LOVE Beyond Your Dreams – Break Free of Toxic Relationships to Have the Love You Deserve and LIVE Beyond Your Dreams – from Fear and Doubt to Personal Power, Purpose and Success, addresses relationships with yourself and others. Go to www.RianaMilne.com or email RianaMilne@gmail.com. Worldwide Coaching Phone: (201) 281-7887. Delray office: (561) 701-8277; Skype Coaching and FB: Coach Riana Milne.