Then Jack Happened….The Dis-invite

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QUESTION:
My friend from work (who is a good friend!), ‘Tanya’, is a drama queen when it comes to guys and it is now causing me some problems with a new girlfriend of mine, ‘Kim’. Kim and Tanya don’t know each other.

The problem is this: Tanya was dating a random guy from Kim’s office. One day this guy told Tanya he knew who I was because of the work connection with Kim. It was a weird coincidence. Kim works in a large office, barely knows this guy, and when they have spoken she has had a bad impression, but whatever. Tanya was planning her birthday, a party bus, and told me to invite whoever I wanted to get the numbers up. I invited Kim because she has been really nice to me and we have had fun when we have hung out together.

Of course, Tanya “broke-up” up with the guy four weeks in because he is crazy, she is a little crazy, and this is how these things go. All the time. For some reason he blabbed to Kim, who could not care less, and Tanya told me that she doesn’t want Kim to be at the party.

Kim just texted me to see if we are still on for the party bus. I’m thinking about giving her a little white lie (like I’m not going or it was cancelled) and trying to hang out with her some other time. Is this a good move?

Signed, It’s her birthday and she’ll dis-invite if she wants to.

ANSWER:
Oh man, grown person birthday drama! Some of the weirdest and most trivial drama there is! First, don’t lie to Kim. You shouldn’t poison your new friendship because of Tanya’s drama. Lying sets a bad precedent, is habit forming, infuriates karma, and doesn’t address the root problem.

Talk to Tanya one last time about it. Explain the minimal connection Kim and this guy have, how this dis-invitation places you in a difficult situation, and how you want Kim there. If she still says ‘no,’ you have to accept it. Her birthday doesn’t excuse her from common courtesy and social decorum, but Tanya is setting the party up and you can’t force Kim onto this bus.

Tanya can invite or dis-invite whomever she wants because you extended Tanya’s invite to Kim, not yours. It’s her faux pas and that’s why lying to Kim is a bad idea. If you lie, this becomes your problem when it is certainly Tanya’s. Plus, you might not have the whole story. Maybe this guy told Kim embarrassing details or Tanya is upset for another reason so it is best to deal with what is in front of you: Tanya doesn’t want Kim there.

I know this puts you in a somewhat awkward position but you’ll be surprised how people react if you are straightforward with them. Tell Kim: ‘I’m sorry but Tanya’s being weird about you knowing dude and says she wouldn’t be comfortable with you there. Can we hang out this weekend some other time?’ Boom! Honest, simple, straightforward, and, best, done. Tanya and Kim aren’t friends so this won’t create problems between them. Bonus points: how Kim reacts tells you a little bit about her too! If she is reasonable and understanding you might got a keeper here. If she is angry or petulant about something you can’t control, that might be a bad sign.

I think the lesson here is a simple one: lying for other people is a bad idea unless you materially benefit from it like getting Heat tickets or rubies.

Delray, I will lie for you, I will cheat for you, I will take you on party buses you aren’t even invited to, just keep telling me your problems and I’ll answer them right here in The Pineapple send them to thenjackhappened@gmail.com